When a new year comes around we all kind of go through that weird phase.

You know, when you’re reflecting on your past years, thinking about all the changes that you’ve experienced, the people you’ve interacted with, your highs your lows, what you need to improve & just life shit, basically. During these major  these major thinking sessions I’ve realized, I’m still upset.

Still upset from past experiences & past relationships (both in friendship & in love). I know deep down inside I still want those apologies I deserve, I want clarity, I want honesty but after a fall out, I’m that person that goes right into getting shit done, my “i can’t bother” with even dwelling on this attitude has become an automatic reaction. Do I hate it? No, bad experiences always push me to go harder with my goals & I have to admit I definitely crossed a couple off my list. But I do have those “this person owes me an apology” moments rise again, because I never really addressed those emotions.

Reality Check: You’re Not Always Going To Get An Apology, Even If You Believe You Deserve One.

I know you’ve heard it before, but read it again. Sometimes you just won’t get that apology. Now I’ve broken it down to two reasons why that happens. 1. Whoever you want the apology from doesn’t care. I know, it’s a tough pill to swallow and if you’re anything like me important factors like: time, opening up or even money is involved, it’ll make you mad af just thinking about it. But you know what, that’s life. You cannot force people to feel. 2. Who you want an apology from actually feels like they deserve one from you. Now TRUST ME… stubborn is my middle name. So I feel like this reason is understandable to an extent. Personally I’m not perfect, there’s a couple untold apologies I probably owe to. But sometimes tensions are so rough that apology just could never be given.

Acceptance:

I’m an optimistic person, I give people I care about chances & those who are closest to me know I’d choose being a lover over a fighter any day (don’t fuck with me though). But my wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt made words such as “maybe” and “might” be my downfall. He might change and be sweet. They might give me that apology. Maybe she has good intentions.

One thing I’ve learned: TRUST YOUR GUT. Might & Maybe is making excuses for behavior or actions you know will happen. There’s a thin line between being optimistic and naive. Accept that it’s not coming: change, the apology, or even that person being in your life. It’s hard & you might not listen to me (shit the amount of times  I don’t listen to myself) but please try.

Forgiving yourself:

I feel like in life we have to apologize to ourselves sometimes, we don’t do it enough. Where I’m going with this is, if you’ve already got it set in your mind that apology isn’t coming, it’s a bummer.

Your mind starts wandering: damn I put in all that time, that was dumb. Damn, I really was allowing trash vibes in my life that was dumb. Damn I thought that person was a real one, that was dumb. Stop it & give yourself a break, first congratulate yourself: You are Human (so when you’re asked to put in that code if you’re a robot, you’re actually telling the truth) you my friend actually have feelings. Were some of your choices dumb? Maybe, but did you add an interesting chapter to your biography? Most definitely. With every experience should come a lesson & you just gained one.

Getting the apology that you might want from someone else won’t come on your terms, but being apologetic to yourself & rising above from your past experiences is all in your control. Learning to free myself from what I cannot change & hoping you all join me on the journey.